Motivational Monday: 11.30.15

This is not new; I've shared this quote before.  It is just a quote I really like.

Plus, it applies to so many life situations. Not just to running.

In the midst of the end of the semester for my master's class, the time of year I just want to get caught up on paperwork at work, the time frame it is so important to stay on track with diet and exercise, tis the season to marvel in the magic and make memories ....

you get it.

One day at a time. Heck, one hour at a time.

The strength is there. I think ....

.... I just need to dig deep and tackle the task.

Tomorrow is December 1; less than a month and hopefully the tasks above will be behind me and I can appreciate having a week off with nothing to do!

Thankful: 2015

This post was meant to "go live" on Thanksgiving. However, I never finished writing it on Wednesday night, and then we were at my parents Wednesday-Saturday. They don't have wi-fi, so while I could have finished typing the post at their house, I didn't have access to my pictures! Regardless, what I am thankful for this year!

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I looked and looked on my other (original) blog, thinking I had done this several times in the past, but the only other list like this I could find was from 2010. Here's a picture I found to go with it!

So my post for today is to share what I am thankful for this year; these are all things I am thankful for all the time, but Thanksgiving is a great time to reflect and remember to appreciate the things we are blessed with!

1. My mom. I hope it is a long, long time before I have to answer a phone call like the one I received January 24, 2015. To hear the fear in my dad's voice when he told me my mom was being air lifted to Milwaukee was one of the scariest moments in my life. I really didn't know what I was driving home to that afternoon, but I know we are blessed to still have her here with us. She is not the same as before, but she fights through with a strength and optimism that is admirable. My mom is one of the kindest people I know, and I am thankful she is here to share life with!

Feb 2015, St. Luke's Medical Center

2. Physical fitness. I never thought of myself as athletic. I hid in the corner in gym through most of middle school and high school. I've always been inspired by athletes and the ability to perform. I am thankful that I finally gave myself the opportunity to explore physical fitness. I love running and I have learned to love other forms of exercise as well. Even though I am not in the shape I once was, or hope to be back at, I love pushing and testing my body. I am anxious to get back to where I was when I felt my strongest, and then see what limit I can push my body to.

July 2014

3. Education. I know we all learn it eventually, but watching my daughter learn to read and write, count and add, and build friendships is amazing. It is true what they say about the stage your child is in being your favorite. It is a true blessing to watch her mind work and figure out this world. The other night we were talking about coins, and she mentioned something about one of them being ten or needing ten to make 100 - I can't remember exactly. I tired inquiring how ten of them would make 100; I was probing to see if they were learning to count by tens (I don't think they are, but I didn't know where she was going with that statement). Well, she must've not known where I was going with my question because she said, "I don't know mom, it's magic." And cute notes like this come home, too.

Love her spelling of friends!

4.  Traditions. Whether it be going to places like Mauthe Lake, or the annual Steinert hayride, or how we spend our holidays, I am thankful for the traditions that connect us to our families. Growing up in a town where most of our extended family lived, this experiences of not living near our families is new to me. I am thankful for the road that lead us to where we are, but also often homesick for what I knew as a kid. I wish I got to see Ava with her cousins more often or got to see our parents babysit, etc. It makes the time we spend as a family of three more meaningful, and the times we get to spend with out extended family more memorable.

List cousins - Christmas 2014

Steinert hayride - 2015

Mauthe Lake - August 2014



5. These three. We are far from perfect; I don't write a lot about my marriage on the blog, but Chad and I are continuously working to make our relationship better. I think the longer we have been together the statement "opposites attract" is more and more true, but harder and harder to live with. With that said, we've been together a long time now (13 years altogether this coming summer), and have been through a lot. I may question if I can take 50 more years of this, but I also don't know where I'd be without him. Ava is our true miracle, and our absolute pride and joy. I could not live without her! Max is our gentle giant. I love that dog more than he probably knows! He is a companion for Ava, and completes our family. I know every family has problems to work through and life to balance; we are not exempt from that! Balancing for the benefit of these three is absolutely worth the stress it can feel like!

 

Father's Day 2014

March 2014

August 2015

Christmas 2014

6. Friendships. Especially those that stand the test of time and distance, and have grown to include my daughter! I have made friends where we live now, but some of those nearest and dearest to me are those we don't see often enough.

 

Color Run 2014

Blessed that she visits me each summer.

Sleep over 2013 (its the best one I could find! Need to look again!) Love this crew.

Ravenberg Visit - 2015

 

Of course I could go on and on. We are blessed with jobs, health, a roof over our heads, and the ability to put food on our table. We are safe in a world that can be crazy, unpredictable, and unsafe. We have our faith. We have each other. I have been struggling lately, but I know life is good and life goes on. Through everything hard and difficult that we've experiences this year, I know we are blessed. And for that, I am thankful.

I will write a separate post sharing how our Thanksgiving weekend played out. I hope you and yours enjoyed the holiday, and were able to spend time reflecting on what you are thankful for!

Motivational Monday: 11.23.15

Some more late Monday motivation; or Tuesday - depending on when you see it. :)

I saw this quote, and it just reminded me of, well, me.

"As I am. As I am. All or not at all."

I feel like this describes me so, so well. No matter what I am thinking about or planning or engaged in, I want to do it all or not at all. No matter the task, the person, the activity, you can rest assured that I want to give it my undivided attention.

Of course, the problem is when I get bogged down. I feel so guilty for not being able to give it my all, do my best, focus solely on _____ (fill in the blank), that the guilt weighs me down. It freezes me. I feel so down, I struggle to get up and do anything.

I guess even in my mid-thirties it is a quality I have to learn to live with and use to my advantage. That's the thing about life; it is ever evolving. We are ever growing and learning and changing.

Last night - errr. early this morning - I had the revelation that I had to suck it up when it came to school. This afternoon was the withdrawal deadline for semester-long classes. It wasn't worth the stress of the snowball of missing work. I wasn't going to be able to dig myself out. I was too worried about how it made me look, How it made me feel - which wasn't good no matter what spin I put on it. I was either going to feel bad about not catching up, or I was going to feel bad about not finishing. I was prepared to withdrawal from both classes and take one over if I had to. Instead, one of my professors gave me a deadline and said if I met it, I would be graded as if I'd turned them in on time (not counting missed discussion posts, obviously). My other professor was more than willing to be flexible as well. The only reason I still withdrew from that class was because I needed to make my plate smaller. I needed to know what to focus on. I needed the other class for my learning disabilities license that I am adding in addition to finishing the degree. It doesn't make me feel great about myself, but I am glad I was able to just make the decision.

I will look at it as a learning experience. Last time I was in school I was working a job with more flexibility, and that didn't require me to bring work home. I didn't have a family. It wasn't easy, but it was easier. It wasn't an online program either. Hopefully I am more prepared for next semester.

No matter what, I will give all or not at all.

And sometimes it needs to be about me, and not the "things" I am striving for.

First Snow - weekend review

Friday night started with Chad dropping Ava off at work by me. We ate supper in my room and then went to the fall play, put on by a talented group of middle schoolers!

When we left the play, it was still snowing! It had started earlier in the afternoon. She happily helped brush off the snow - and threw her share of snowballs! Little spit fire.

After swimming lessons on Saturday, Ava spent an hour ringing bells for the Salvation Army with a couple other Girl Scouts from her troop.

The rest of our Saturday was pretty low key. I ran over to Shopko, mainly because I cannot find my gloves that I've work the last several weekends! So I got mittens, a pair of running tights that were on clearance, and browsed at toys to start pricing out little miss's Christmas list. I did a 30 minute at-home workout (not my favorite, but sometimes you gotta give in!). I actually completed the Dirty 30 workout from Beachbody's 21 Day Fix. Supper, movies, and falling asleep on the couch rounded out our night.

This morning, Ava and I headed to church and Sunday School, but not until after I pulled out my Packer snowmen! Timehop reminded me we also played the Vikings this weekend last year, and I had decorated for Christmas this weekend a year ago. After a three game losing streak, I was willing to do my part on changing our luck! It worked!!

I drove around after work to check out the shoulder of the road I was hoping to run on this afternoon. The roads have not been in good shape, so I didn't know what the shoulders of these roads would look like. There were a few rough spots, but I was willing to give them a try .... that was until I saw a truck in the ditch! I then decided I didn't want to be out there if another driver was going to fast for conditions and drove into the ditch. I opted for the treadmill at the Y instead, but after playing outside with Ava for a bit and putting grades in.

I managed 3.72 miles in 45:04. That left me with roughly a 12:07 average. However, I actually ran intervals. It was a workout I wrote down from Pinterest. I knew I wasn't going to be able to go as fast as they recommended, so I just adjusted the paces but kept the interval times as steady to what I had written down as I could. It didn't help that I forgot the paper a home and was trying to go by memory. I started with a warm-up; after 8 minutes I ran at 6.0 mph for 2 minutes (10:00 min/mile). Then I slowed it down, and built back up over 3 minutes until I did 6.2 mph (9:40 min/mile). The third time, I ran 6.5 mph (9:13 min/mile); that was tough. When I finished that interval, I was pretty fatigued. I slowed it back down and walked for a minute (like I had done the other times), then jumped off to get a drink and wipe the sweat. Started at 5.0 mph again, and this time did the 6.5 mph interval first. Going back down (after I finished 6.5), I had to had to spilt the intervals into one minute segments instead of two. I wanted to push through, but was actually feeling pretty shaking. I still did each speed for two minutes, just in separate intervals. It was hard, but felt good. And for being on the treadmill, it wasn't too bad.

Finally, the game was on! Packers basically dominated the Vikings! At the end of the third quarter, I found Ava sleeping. I guess she was tired, and with both of us watching the game she decided to lay down while playing in her room! I couldn't let her stay in bed at 5:45, so I woke her up for the fourth quarter and we did puzzles during the fun and exciting 4th quarter!

Lastly, the last bit of laundry was folded, and she played with her Little People castle. Seriously, this was one of the best gifts Santa could have gotten her, I think two years ago already. And that blanket. I pulled baby blankets out that were packed away a while back for one reason or another, and she's been obsessed with this one!

So, another weekend ends. At least it is a short week! Hope it can be a productive one!

Currently: 11.19.15

Another edition of what's currently happening in our neck of the woods ....

.officially counting down to our Walt Disney World vacations; we fly out Saturday, March 19! 4 months and counting .....


.finally know for sure that we are going back to my parent's for Thanksgiving! I had been leaning that way for a few weeks, but also hate driving in two different directions, as we usually go to Chad's parents so that he can also hunt. His party has tagged out for the year; however, so it's a great year to switch things up!


.debating on signing up for a local 10k (local as in hometown) on Thanksgiving morning. I know I am not in "racing" shape, but ..... I have run a race in August, September, October. I wouldn't mind running at least one race per month for a year. Although I fully know it is going to be hard to find December and January races!


.thinking of putting our Christmas tree up this weekend! I know it's early; but since we moved from St. Cloud and have to travel every Thanksgiving weekend, it takes that weekend out of the picture. Since we also travel for Christmas, it limits how much we get to enjoy it! We'll see. We are going to come home on Saturday next weekend, so maybe I'll hold off.


.both excited and nervous for Sunday afternoon. Border Battle weekend. Packer-Viking game. Ugh. The Packers are in a slump like no other, but it is the Vikings! One of the biggest games of the year. They need to pull it together! One of those weekends I become very homesick for living in Wisconsin!


.not running nearly as many miles as I want to be running this fall; which is my favorite time of year to run. :( Work has been busy. Daylight savings time is a beast. (I hate that it is pitch black when I leave work!) The nights that I've promised myself I was going to run have been cold, windy, and rainy. I have wanted to get 2-3 runs in a week, but it was two weeks ago tonight I did a quick 2 1/2 miles while Ava was at dance. So disappointing.


.I have been going to kettle bells both Tuesdays and Thursdays (except for this week when I stayed at work until 7 on Tuesday night). I think I mentioned that she has changed gears and is really focusing on strength/workout of the day style workouts. She also is working on a "holiday plank". We did 1:30 tonight - I did drop my kneed three times ever so briefly, but in all honestly, it felt easier than I would have thought it would. She is working us up to three minutes! I seriously love that class.


.shamefully admit I was excited about the addition of Chicago Med to the Chicago trilogy that airs on Tuesdays/Wednesdays! Plus Law and Order: SVU! They are self-indulgent nights when it comes to TV! Not excited that right now it is slated to air Tuesday's at 8 - kettle bells ends at 8, so I will forever miss the beginning!


.With the series premier starting at 8, Ava was still up to watch the beginning this week. It wasn't gory, but it did show some blood and other ER trauma center scenes. She turns her head, covers her eyes, and tells me to tell her when she can look again. I say, "you're not toing to be a doctor or a nurse when you grow up, huh?" She says in a still scarred voice tone, "No, I'm going to be a teacher like you!" :) Bless her hear.


.speaking of Ava, by the time she decided she was okay during another session of gymnastics, her class level on Saturdays was full. We agreed on a session of swimming lessons instead, which started last Saturday. They have quite a few sessions on Saturday mornings, and I can only guess they are busier some sessions  that others, and some time slots over others. Well, she was the only one in her class! I see this as both good and bad, but I am interested to see what she will learn and pick up on with the additional time. Nothing like paying for group lessons and getting private!

8 pictures, 1 weekend

We had a healthy mix of busy and relaxing this past weekend! Friday night shopping and supper in Rochester. Swimming lessons on Saturday, plus I went to get my hair done then got to have girl's night. Sunday was football (for some of us) and a walk to the park for the rest.

Lots of items still on the to-do list, but overall an enjoyable weekend.

Sunset on our way to eat pizza Thursday night for a fundraiser for Ava's school. It was almost an eerie glow!

look what we found at Shopko!

goofy before and decent after of new hair-color. First time I've dyed my hair in nearly 10 years!

girl's night with old co-workers!

Fox is stupid. Vikings didn't play until the late game, and they chose not to air the Packers at noon. I live 90 minutes from the Wisconsin border and have to deal with not seeing games! No excuse when there is no conflict with the local team. :(

off to the park instead

handsome dog

love her

Motivational Monday: 11.16.15

I literally fell asleep writing my motivational Monday post last night. So now I am motivating myself (and you!) Monday evening, in-between rushing home from work to make a taco salad for the family potluck at Girl Scouts that starts in 20 minutes. I have about t-minus 10 minutes (max) before we have to head out the door.

With all the challenges I've been facing over the last 7 months - 9 months? - I really do believe in the person I want to become. It has just been really hard to dig deep and get there.

I want to be balanced.

• I want to be a runner.
• I want to be a great teacher, mother, wife.
• I want to be organized and in control of my to-do list.

I am not there now. I know what it feels like to be there. I will get back there.

I just need to get caught up so I can start over.

Or do I need to change my mindset? If I wait until I am caught up, I may never get there.

It will start tonight by staying awake long enough to get some things done!

For now, we are off to Girl Scouts!

Last Weekend!

It would bother me if I shared this weekend in pictures before I summarized last weekend. Yes, I can have some OCD tendencies from time to time!

So, last weekend was Chad's weekend out of town hunting. I always look forward to the 1:1 time with Ava, while simultaneously dread being home alone! The weekend actually went surprisingly fast; it helped that Saturday evening Chad shot a smaller, 4-point buck and came home on Sunday instead of Tuesday!

Here's how Ava and I spent the weekend; in pictures!

started with my Thursday night run while Ava was at dance!

then home for some snuggling.

Friday night we went to see The Peanuts Movie.

Saturday we were off to the cities for a baby shower.

Ava was pretty proud of being able to give Wendy her presents, and thought each outfit was the most adorable!

The girls got skills!

Yes, I let her sleep with me when Chad's not home!

She had her Kindergarten Faith Milestone Sunday in church. We had to go around and do an alphabet scavenger hunt.

And when Chad got home, he spent one of his days off baking some cookies. I told him he should become a stay-at-home mom! :)

Weight, and trying to move forward is harder than I thought

I had to zoom last year's picture in to make it a true comparison picture, but when I took the picture after finishing the Mankato half-marathon this year, the difference made me sick to my stomach. Not that I love how I look in last year's picture (I will always be my own worst critic and my eyes naturally are drawn to my trouble-area), but I know I felt good. I felt strong a year ago. I knew I was toning up even if I wasn't losing weight. I was able to do real push-ups. I had just ran my fastest half-marathon to date.

A year later I am just struggling. I am up 20 pounds still. I am stressed. I am emotional. I can see the extra weight in my already troubled mid-section. And in my face. I have been feeling so pulled down, and like nothing I do is good enough.

I feel like I've talked over and over about how I am trying to change my mindset. I am tying to not just sound like a negative nelly. Still, there is no denying it. This summer I worked hard to pull myself out of the slump I was in. I realized I was in a bad spot and was going to do something about it. I started working out regularly again, realizing for one of the first times in three years just how much the exercise that had become a normal part of my existence was to my emotional well-being and stabilization. I started to feel happy again. I was proud of my progress even if it was slow. I was overcoming what had pulled me off my routine. Physically anyway.

In the last couple of weeks, I have realized how I had worked on the physical component of my comeback, but I am starting to feel like I didn't do too well with the emotional aspect. Yes, I was feeling better. But I don't know that I've dealt with the emotions of all that happened last spring. The scare of almost losing my mom - the mixed feelings that come with living away from family - the disappointment of two more failed fertility treatments. I know my emotions are heighted because being a Special Education teacher is it's own level of busy and crazy. Because I made the choice to continue on with my master's degree. Because I want to work out 5 times a week, but I feel pulled in too many different directions. And all these things add to emotions left hidden.

Not that I am a therapist, or should be my own therapist, but this summer life was slower and I think I just didn't realize it. Since school started back up though, I definitely have the familiar feeling of not being in control that I had last winter/spring. The same feeling I had of knowing I need to accomplish things and just feeling like I can't. Feeling inadequate like no matter what I just don't have the energy or motivation to follow through. Like it is just easier to just ignore it all. Which obviously won't work. Looking back, I don't think I had it all back together in summer, but it felt better. Still even this summer, it was overwhelming trying to redo and catch up on things I ignored over the spring.

And now, I can't help but wonder if this is normal. Should I still feel down and out? I know I am torn between more fertility treatments or not. What I wouldn't give to see the desire through to the end! Yet, the chance of being let down again is so much to bear. Should I still feel so out of control and unbalanced 7 months after my mom was released from the hospital? That bully self-critic says no. It looks around and sees my sister earning a 4.0 in her classes towards her bachelor's. It sees my other sister running a 3:55 marathon. And it says, "what is wrong with you?"

My logical side knows everything is fine. That I will be okay. I need to just keep putting one foot in front of the other. I need to deal with my emotions and not try to suppress them - which when you cry easily over just about anything for several weeks straight  - I am not sure that I am suppressing them or just not dealing with them. I just need to see some things start going right. I need to get my paperwork up to date. I need to finish work for my classes and get the grades I was getting at the start of the semester. I want to see victory on the scale again.

How? I probably need to start by picking one to really focus on. But how does one restore a true sense of balance? Well, I'm not entirely sure. But I home it clicks soon.

I hope it clicks soon.

I intended to share the picture I started with and talk just about the battle of trying to take off the 20 pounds; but I just don't think that is what it is entirely about right now.

Thanks for reading to the end of this word-vomit. I just needed to put everything out there again. I needed to release it somewhere. This was as good a spot as any.

Weekly Wrap-Up: 11.2.15-11.8.15

The week didn't pan out quite like I'd hoped. I knew it was going to be a tough one; since Chad was leaving Thursday for hunting, but I wanted to get at least my minimum three workouts in.

Monday: off  - I knew I wouldn't get to anything in tonight. I planned to stay at work until 8 to participate in a "paperwork celebration" that our Special Services Director puts on three times per year. Actually made a little bit of progress, too!

Tuesday: planned and actual - kettle bells. I think I mentioned last week that our instructor is focusing on more "traditional" kettle bell workouts and less cardio intervals right now. This was a high equipment night though - bosu, body bar, kettle bells.

Wednesday: planned - run. Actual - off. As has become pattern, I worked until between 5 & 6, then opted to spend the evening at home.

Thursday: planned - kettle bells. Actual - run. Like I mentioned, Chad left for hunting, so I didn't love the idea of taking Ava to the Y for kettle bells after dance and until 8. Instead, while she was at dance, I drove the short distance over to a little pond that has a bike path around it - just over .8 miles in distance. I decided to shoot for three times around in the half hour I had. The third loop was pushing it, but I did it. Frustrating that one lap at .8 rounds up to 1 mile, but the three laps barely rounds up to 3!

Split	Hours:Minutes:Seconds Time	Miles    Distance	Minutes per Mile     Avg Pace
Summary	30:02.0	2.64	11:24
1	10:00.8	0.89	11:16
2	9:54.8	0.88	11:19
3	9:58.1	0.86	11:32
4	:08.4	0.01	22:51

Friday: Winter maintenance plan says Cycle Box on Friday nights. With Chad gone, I opted to take Ava to the opening night of The Peanuts Movie! Sacrifices, I tell you!

Saturday: I would have used the day care at the Y to get the planned run in; but we had a baby shower in the Cities. Fun day spent with family for sure. Plus, it made me less nervous about being home alone!

Sunday: My goal right now is to use Sundays for either a run or a cross training session. Single parenthood and a busy weekend, however, called for a day at home getting things done.

So, at the end of the week I did one cross training session and one run (1:10:02 total). Focusing on progress not perfection. One day at a time, one choice at a time.

Better late than never - Halloween!

I swear I sat down every day last week to put together a blog post, work on grades, and complete assignments, but each night ended the same way - falling asleep on the couch with little accomplished! Such a frustrating pattern I've gotten myself into, I tell you.

So much to do, so little time.

At any rate, one of the posts I was hoping to put together was a Halloween update! The day took an unexpected change of plans. We intended to spend the afternoon at home, cleaning and making treats. We were invited to a friend's house for a Halloween party, and even though most of the guests were going to be her high school friends and their kiddos, we were excited to go.

Then, as we were walking out of the Y following Ava's gymnastics class, I got a phone call from Chad's cousin, Kim. She asked what we were doing. I told her and followed it with, "why?" Their oldest boy's birthday is November 3, and they decided to go to the Cities, pick up another one of their cousins, go to a trampoline park to celebrate the birthday and then back to the cousin's house to go trick-or-treating.

I decided I would give Ava the choice. She thought about it, and in her 5 year old wisdom said to me, "Well, I did want to go to Baby Lincoln's party, but Preston is one of my best friends. So, I am sad to say, but I want to go to Preston's birthday." I think she said she was sad because I told her I had been looking forward to actually putting together a costume and going to the Halloween party! Still, I couldn't not let her go to the birthday party. I also thought it was pretty neat that her almost 11 year old cousin wanted to make sure she was invited to go along!

We got her packed up, and sent her on her way. They did text Chad one picture of her on a climbing wall at the trampoline park, but somehow I didn't get that one saved. These are the pictures that were shared with me! The first one is actually from the Costume Parade at school on the 30th! Oh - and we carved pumpkins the night before, too. Nothing like last minute jack-o-lanterns!

pretty proud!

Halloween parade

Aunite Kimmy dolled her up for trick or treating!

Ava, Preston, Chase, Levi - ready to trick or treat.

I still handed out candy, and they kept me company! Though I didn't hand it out the entire time ...

With our free afternoon, I let Chad pick something for us to do. Bad idea! While I should've insisted we stay home so I could do work, instead Chad suggested we go to the casino. We don't spend a ton when we go - just enough to have fun. I don't love going, but he does. We came home only spending half of what we took with us, so not a bade afternoon. We got home about 6, and then I passed out candy for two hours! Those that came to our door likely got more candy than they would've if I had started at 4!

Halloween is one of those holidays I like more as a mom than I liked before! Can't believe another one is in the books!