I had to zoom last year's picture in to make it a true comparison picture, but when I took the picture after finishing the Mankato half-marathon this year, the difference made me sick to my stomach. Not that I love how I look in last year's picture (I will always be my own worst critic and my eyes naturally are drawn to my trouble-area), but I know I felt good. I felt strong a year ago. I knew I was toning up even if I wasn't losing weight. I was able to do real push-ups. I had just ran my fastest half-marathon to date.
A year later I am just struggling. I am up 20 pounds still. I am stressed. I am emotional. I can see the extra weight in my already troubled mid-section. And in my face. I have been feeling so pulled down, and like nothing I do is good enough.
I feel like I've talked over and over about how I am trying to change my mindset. I am tying to not just sound like a negative nelly. Still, there is no denying it. This summer I worked hard to pull myself out of the slump I was in. I realized I was in a bad spot and was going to do something about it. I started working out regularly again, realizing for one of the first times in three years just how much the exercise that had become a normal part of my existence was to my emotional well-being and stabilization. I started to feel happy again. I was proud of my progress even if it was slow. I was overcoming what had pulled me off my routine. Physically anyway.
In the last couple of weeks, I have realized how I had worked on the physical component of my comeback, but I am starting to feel like I didn't do too well with the emotional aspect. Yes, I was feeling better. But I don't know that I've dealt with the emotions of all that happened last spring. The scare of almost losing my mom - the mixed feelings that come with living away from family - the disappointment of two more failed fertility treatments. I know my emotions are heighted because being a Special Education teacher is it's own level of busy and crazy. Because I made the choice to continue on with my master's degree. Because I want to work out 5 times a week, but I feel pulled in too many different directions. And all these things add to emotions left hidden.
Not that I am a therapist, or should be my own therapist, but this summer life was slower and I think I just didn't realize it. Since school started back up though, I definitely have the familiar feeling of not being in control that I had last winter/spring. The same feeling I had of knowing I need to accomplish things and just feeling like I can't. Feeling inadequate like no matter what I just don't have the energy or motivation to follow through. Like it is just easier to just ignore it all. Which obviously won't work. Looking back, I don't think I had it all back together in summer, but it felt better. Still even this summer, it was overwhelming trying to redo and catch up on things I ignored over the spring.
And now, I can't help but wonder if this is normal. Should I still feel down and out? I know I am torn between more fertility treatments or not. What I wouldn't give to see the desire through to the end! Yet, the chance of being let down again is so much to bear. Should I still feel so out of control and unbalanced 7 months after my mom was released from the hospital? That bully self-critic says no. It looks around and sees my sister earning a 4.0 in her classes towards her bachelor's. It sees my other sister running a 3:55 marathon. And it says, "what is wrong with you?"
My logical side knows everything is fine. That I will be okay. I need to just keep putting one foot in front of the other. I need to deal with my emotions and not try to suppress them - which when you cry easily over just about anything for several weeks straight - I am not sure that I am suppressing them or just not dealing with them. I just need to see some things start going right. I need to get my paperwork up to date. I need to finish work for my classes and get the grades I was getting at the start of the semester. I want to see victory on the scale again.
How? I probably need to start by picking one to really focus on. But how does one restore a true sense of balance? Well, I'm not entirely sure. But I home it clicks soon.
I hope it clicks soon.
I intended to share the picture I started with and talk just about the battle of trying to take off the 20 pounds; but I just don't think that is what it is entirely about right now.
Thanks for reading to the end of this word-vomit. I just needed to put everything out there again. I needed to release it somewhere. This was as good a spot as any.
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