I have officially dubbed this the worst training cycle ever. I am not feeling confident in my ability to run 26.2 given the pattern of this training cycle. I have never been off of a training cycle - yes, I have missed runs here or there, but not long runs that have thrown me off my schedule. I am in uncharted territory in more ways than one right now, and it doesn't feel good.
I think the worse part is that it is not just my running. Lately I have just felt like nothing goes right, effort goes unnoticed, and constantly have this stressed and unsatisfied feeling. It makes me think of a book a friend once gave me called "The Good Enough Mother" and also an article I saw on facebook not too long ago. The article was geared towards working moms, and the gist of it was that as a working mom you just never feel like you give your all to any one thing. The problem is I don't like just being good enough, and want to give everything I do all I got. However, when things don't work out the way I intend and I don't meet my expectations, instead of giving everything I give nothing. It is a lot of all or nothing thinking and weak self-esteem.
Recently it has been related to: running - not running as fast as I would like as well as not being able to stick to my training schedule; work has been tough as we wind down the school year; the move hasn't been as organized as I would have liked and now I feel pressure to get everything in it's place; I've just recently lost my first three pounds since November, which is frustrating since overall consistency has been good going back that far; I am really nervous about committing to doing any fertility treatments this summer but can't imagine not trying one more time; and then just trying to be the best mom and wife I can be.
It's a lot and I just want it all fixed. I know it is okay to let it be a process, I just feel like I don't know what I want that process to look like or where to start. Feeling stuck sucks!
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So, I know I just need to reset. I need to be okay with where I am right now. I need to just start running where I am right now, get a good long run in that will build some confidence and enjoy it instead of making it a chore.
I need to get through just 5 more school days.
Unpack what I can and let it be a process because I will be happier in the long run letting it take it's time instead of feeling among clutter I didn't do right the first time.
Remember weight isn't everything.
Be the wife and mom I know I can be; and lastly, trust what is meant to be with the fertility issues. Part of my issue there is not wanting to give up other goals to be pregnant. How dumb is that? I know what I want to do, I just don't feel strong enough for the what if. What if it's not meant to be and doesn't work again?
Ugh. What's that song from Frozen? Let it go!
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Going back to what is comfortable. Making some lists. Adjusting some plans. Trying to mentally reset and start over. I just need to get rid of the negative mental energy. I can't make up a missed run. Or control student behavior - no matter how hard I try. I can get in today's workout. I can show up and try again. I can envision what the house will look like all unpacked, decorated, and clean. I can trust in Him and remember I don't have to understand!
Yup - it starts with PMA. Positive Mental Attitude. That is what I will remember today as I try to reset.
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How do you reset? What do you remind yourself of? What do you let go of?
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