And the reasons why I've gotten to this point just flood back when I am trying to push through workouts. Mostly on my runs though.
Today, I literally cried as I ran. Therapeutic, I suppose. Still - made something that is already difficult that much more difficult.
Some thoughts that went through my head as I ran today:
- I wish Mom had never been hospitalized.
- I also thought about how her strength in recovery is quite admirable compared to the strength I feel right now.
- I wish I never would have doubted or changed my mind about more fertility treatments. A year ago, I thought I was okay with being done and having just one. If I had been able to stay in that place, I would have saved myself from a lot of pain and heart ache.
- I wish I was better at balancing life; that even when things got hectic I could find balance in my activities.
- I wish I could let go of this sadness that has seemed to take over.
- I wish I didn't feel so broken and incomplete.
I believe I will get through this phase. I am just not sure what it is finally going to take. I do feel better than I did a couple of weeks ago; but then I will have a day that I just feel sad again. That I can't be okay with not having another baby. That I feel guilty for the way I look and feel right now.
I know I am putting a lot out there. I also know I just need to focus on the positives - that I am going to get back to where I was and not let myself stay where I am. That I am blessed beyond measure. - I know all this. I just need to get through this.
Have you ever been in such a rut? What have you done to pull through? Is it better to let the emotions run their course, or is there something specific you've tried or done?
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