I don't even know if anyone still reads this anymore! But I am in the process of getting back into it, and want to start blogging again. It has been an extremely difficult six months. This saying applies to my life more than to running these days. It has been an emotional process to just accept this phase as the current mile. Not my final destination.
Here's the run down.
You likely remember my scarce posts from November and December. As a special education teacher, it was a busy time for me. I had seven meetings in six weeks. And all the paperwork to go with it. I wanted to do my job well (this is my second year at my current school, and my first year in this particular assignment - I wanted to prove the choice had been a good one). So, I put in late nights and still took work home with me. My workout numbers became less and less.
The holidays came and went. I noticed a few pounds coming on, but I thought things were going to slow down in January. If I could just get through the hustle and bustle, I said to myself.
The beginning of January wasn't bad. Even though we had already started the process of making doctor appointments to go through a round of fertility treatments, I went and got new running shoes. I was going to start training for two spring races, and if I ended up pregnant I'd be able to keep running even if not doing the races. If I didn't end up pregnant, I'd be able to continue with my training.
All those plans went out the window on January 24. It was a Saturday morning. At 7:50am, my dad called to tell me he was in the ER with my mom and she was being airlifted to Milwaukee due to a bleed on her brain - they assumed it was caused by an aneurysm. We know how blessed we are to have her here with us still. She has finished her scheduled out-patient therapy appointments, but continues to be out of work. She does not have the strength to go back at this point. Some of her motor skills seem to have been impacted, as she can appear rigid in her movements at times. Her memory was also affected, but she is thriving given the alternatives of where she could be. Back to going in order, she was hospitalized for six weeks. I rushed home that Saturday not knowing what the severity of the situation was. I couldn't just sit at home from six hours away not knowing. I went home a total of 5 times in 7 weeks. I wouldn't have been anywhere else, but it was exhausting.
As far as the fertility treatments go, we just moved everything back - but moved forward. Sadly, neither worked. I slowly and inconsistently integrated workouts back into my routine after the six weeks Mom was in the hospital. Doing them in the middle of my treatments wasn't easy either. I have irrational fears when I am doing fertility treatments that something I do can make it not work. Not to mention the meds left me feeling bloated and uncomfortable. These unsuccessful attempts left me feeling much more devastated and depressed than I knew was possible. I am just now - three weeks later - starting to feel like I can move forward. Still with mixed emotions. I want few things more than to keep trying until it works, but also knowing financially and emotionally I don't know that we can.
Through all that, I struggled to stay on top of work. I am on the last stretch with the end of the school year upon us. Our last day with students is Wednesday. It is a school year I am glad to put behind me. However, even as I say that, I have to admit I had a great group of students on my case load this year. But the rest of my world this year, made it one of the most trying.
I could have used the summer off to rejuvenate, but am going to spend the first five weeks working. The extra money will either go to medical bills or be put away for a family vacation we plan to take next March.
Still, I need to acknowledge that in six short months, I have gained nearly 25 pounds. It took me three years to lose and maintain that, and in six months of life (what else does one call it?), I gained it all back. So on top of already raw emotions, I have felt absolutely terrible about myself.
The last two weeks though, while still a work in progress, I have decided I can't stay down. I need to let the emotions be real, but I can't stay in that spot. I have been exhausted and unfocused for too long. And have come to the realization that through the things that brought me down, the thing I let go (exercise) is probably the thing I needed the most. I just couldn't do it. It's been a challenge to say the least.
So, last weekend I realized Memorial Day to Labor Day is 15 weeks. I set a goal to try and lose a minimum of two pounds each of those weeks. I don't know if I can realistically lose 30 pounds this summer, but I am giving it my best effort. If I can at least lose the weight I put on, I will consider it a success.
I'll share what my first week of "Operation Summer 15" looked like soon. Just needed to get this part of my journey out there, and hopefully behind me.
What mile in life are you currently facing?
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